Some days are harder than others.
Today it feels like a film covers my eyes
A blurry, invisible barrier between myself and the real world
I use it like a shield
It keeps everything at bay while my body wars with itself
It rages
It tries to separate the real from the remembered
My brain makes graves for words like “victim” and “rape” and “slut”
It slashes through the heart of “You deserved it”
And cuts the throat of “You're broken”
It circles my beating heart like a predator
Whose prey begs to just be left alone
But there is blood in the water and my brain does not understand the meaning of “quit”
It beats my already battered heart into submission, sews up its ragged wounds and shoves it onward.
There is no path back but there is a way forward
My brain tells my heart to find it
My lungs hum along to the beating of my heart's feet on the ground
My whole body follows suit
So the film clears
I take a step forward
And then another.
I continue.